Hurray for September!

Well, hello there!  I'm beginning to miss you, my blog!

I love September - my birthday, my anniversary, back to school.  And the winding down of the hot, muggy weather (if you don't include today and tomorrow!)

Summer has treated me well this year.  No depression slump as I've had the past few years in late July through August - yay!  It's been a busy summer - a vacation in June, Friday morning bible study for me, Tuesdays in the park with our homeschool group, swimming in our neighbors' pool, visiting friends and having friends over, 3 VBS's for Aaron, a family celebration for my parents' 70th birthdays in July, several movies, a couple trips to the beach, and the list goes on with ordinary daily things that somehow get fit in.

I'm looking forward to getting back into our homeschool routine. Less running around, and more structure to our day. Although I also find myself sometimes day-dreaming about what it would be like to send my kids to school and be alone all day (can I do it just for a couple weeks?!), it's interesting how the boys become more content to be at home knowing that their friends are at school and can't play during the day.

I'll be back soon with a few pictures from summer, but for now I need to get things done for our last summer Hurrah! We go to a family camp with 3 other families we've known since college. We don't live close enough to see each other often, but our kids have known each other their whole lives with yearly get-togethers. It's such a special bond we have with those friends, and although it's a busy activity-filled weekend that leaves me needing to catch my breath, these weekend make memories to treasure.

Ramblings

After adding an additional medication for my depression, which had been acting up off and on since last fall, I've been feeling some renewed life in my mind and body for a few weeks now. As one who prefers not to take any medicine, I wasn't thrilled at first that I needed to add another one. But if the new combination improves the quality of my daily life, and therefore my family's, then gladly take it I will!

Signs of spring, highly anticipated, are slowly arriving! We saw our first robins a couple weeks ago and even more birds are showing up every day. Snow piles are finally gone. Longer hours of daylight. The trampoline is up and running. And the dog is tracking mud into the house if we don't catch him in time - not my favorite sign of spring!

We enjoyed a visit from Grandma and Grandpa (my parents) this past weekend. My mom and I sorted through and organized several boxes of their photos that they brought up. Especially fun was seeing some oldies but goodies from the 70's and 80's!  Always brings back memories and lots of "Oh, I remember that!". My muscles are still thanking me for a game of bowling on Saturday. Grandpa is a great bowler; the kids love to bowl with him. Isaac even beat Grandpa by one point on the first game with a score of 170! How's that for a 12 year old against a 40-year bowling veteran?

I've gotten into a much-needed whirl of scrapbooking since a cropping weekend away with three friends in February. I'm quite behind - I'm still working on 2006, but I'm making progress and am hoping to keep up my momentum on into 2007 and 2008. It feels good to be accomplishing something creative and productive!

Creativity MIA

One thing (of many) that depression steals is creativity.  I enjoy various creative outlets like knitting, crocheting, sewing, scrapbooking, and photography.  But when my depression flares up, I have little interest or energy to work on projects, even when part of my self really wants to. So instead of posting pictures of all the amazing things I have made lately, because I haven't, I thought I'd show some ideas of what I would like to make:

 Vintage Sheet Quilt

I've been collecting some vintage sheets and pillow cases from garage sales, thrift stores, (and my parent's house!) for a while now. This would be my first quilt; should be fairly easy because it's just squares, no complicated pattern.

Knit Leaf Cravat Scarf

More of these cute knit dish clothes (I've already made one and I really like how the pattern turns out)

Christmas Tree Ornaments

Knitted Pears

I'm also 4 years behind on my scrapbooks! I've had my supplies out on the dining room table for a few weeks now, and work on it as my brain will allow, which isn't often.  Some day I'll get caught up.

I continue to have some good days and some bad days; but hoping that I'll feel well more consistently as August is gone and we approach fall. I love fall! Perfect time for taking lots of pictures!

(I'm having problems with new layouts with blogger, I don't know why some of my descriptions are not lining up correctly - they look okay when I'm typing them - but I'm not going to figure that out right now!)

August Woes

I'm not exactly sure why, but the past few summers my chronic health issues have flared up by mid-July and on into August. Summer is not my favorite season (Spring and Fall come first) in general because I don't like the heat. But it seems that summer doesn't agree with my mind and body too.

I try not to be discouraged, but it's difficult to struggle through my days instead of really enjoying them, especially when I have children to take care of.  Mornings are worse. Some days are better are others. But much of the time I don't have the mental or physical energy to do what I would like to do.

My summer goals of exercising and organizing have become dust in the wind. I do what I can when I can on better days (or even better hours). But I've had to let go of my weekly plans so that I don't have unrealistic expectations of myself, and then end up feeling like I've failed. 

This too shall pass. By September sometime, I usually start feeling better. Wonder if it has anything to do with lunar cycles and seasons? I've heard such theories.

Among others, 2 Corinthians has many verses that I hold on to during such times.
2 Corinthians 4:8-10 is a favorite passage:

 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."

Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he asked God three times to remove.

But each time, God replied, 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)

Learning to be content in weakness is difficult. But God is faithful; and if we're open and seek Him, it's IN times of weakness that we meet God in a more personal way and develop deeper character.

Summer Goals

With homeschooling done for the year, I've made 3 goals for myself this summer.

Putting it in print will help keep me accountable, I hope!

1. Extra, heavy-duty cleaning and organizing of one room or area of the house per week.
2. Walk or exercise regularly - my goal is daily, but I'll be happy with at least 5 days a week.
3. Try one new recipe a week from several cook books that I haven't had time to explore yet.

The cleaning and exercising are the most important to me.  Dealing with depression and health issues on and off for several years made regular, consistent exercise an impossibility, and anything beyond basic survival-mode cleaning usually didn't happen.  I have muscles and a house long-neglected that I aim to pay a lot of attention to now that I'm feeling better.

I still have to keep boundaries in place to keep from over-doing things and exhausting myself. But I'm hopeful that my health will allow me to meet my goals as much as possible. Wish me luck! 

It's Christmas Break!

Yay! I'm (almost) as excited as the kids that our Christmas Break from homeschooling is here (as of about 1 1/2 hours ago). We had originally planned to continue on with 3 days of school next week since the boys had already had some time off in November when I was dealing with my depression again. But, I realized a couple days ago that I really needed/wanted the time off. So if the teacher's done with school, I guess the kids are too!

Even though we have taken many days off the past few months due to my health issues, I, myself, spent those days not feeling well. And then as soon as I was up to it, we were back to school and trying to catch up. I don't feel as though I've really had any real time off, so we declared that today was the last day.

Overall, I've been feeling pretty well lately, although I still have to lay down for a short nap after taking the medication that makes me sleepy and I still have to be careful not to get too busy and worn out. The naps are frustrating sometimes because I have to schedule my day around those non-functional hours twice a day (just like a baby!). But the amount of time I'm "out of it" is slowly getting shorter and less intense. And as I continue adjusting, it's supposed to get even better. Where I am now is far better than where I was, so I won't complain!

No pictures today! It feels very strange for me to make a post without pictures. But I haven't had the time or energy to download photos the past couple weeks. We've had some soccer going on, more snow, Christmas tree hunting, Santa and reindeer, and an interesting story about parsley! So lots to post about, and many fun pictures, which I'm hoping to get done this weekend or early next week. Sometime when I'm not trying to get everything finished for Christmas, that is!

Sleepy Improvement

I'm so glad I was able to get out and enjoy and photograph the beautiful fall colors in late October; before all the leaves fell, and before I got "sick" again. Because since then, I've pretty much been here, at home.

The good news is that a week ago, my doctor prescribed an additional medication because I wasn't seeing any improvement, and I was losing my ability to cope. The new medication took most of my anxiety and depression away in about ONE day! One day! What a relief and answer to prayer, because I literally felt like I'd been hanging on by the very last thread, which was about to snap.

The main side effect of this medication however, is that it very calming. Sedating is probably the more accurate word. After so much anxiety and inability to relax and desperation, I welcomed sedating with open arms!

So, my past week has somewhat resembled the schedule of a 3 month old baby - wake up, take medication, eat breakfast, do a few things until med. starts to knock me out. Sleep for 1 - 2 hours, wake up, "play" a little, take medication, eat, then sleep again. I take the medication 3 times a day, at meal times. At first, I would feel the effects of the medication within 20 - 30 minutes, and then sleep soundly for at least 2 hours. As the week's progressed, I am usually awake for at least 1 hour before needing to head to bed. And my naps have become a little shorter too.

This sedation effect is supposed to go away eventually, for which I will be glad so I can function a little more normally. Our oldest 2 boys left last Tuesday with my parents for a trip down to TN to see my sister and her family. So we've only had Aaron home. But you can't leave a 5 (almost 6) year old on his own each morning and afternoon while you're sound asleep for 2 hours. S0 we've had to ask for some help with him. How thankful we are for friends who have been able to watch and entertain him. And Wednesday, grandparents and big brothers will be back, so Aaron won't have to be shuffled around.

And for now, I need to go sleep, I'm getting tired of having to correct typos every other word!

Ugh . . .

After 6 or 7 weeks of feeling well since my depression in late August & early September, I've found myself back at that horrible, anxious, depressed spot again.

We aren't exactly sure what caused the relapse, but most likely a combination of some scheduled changes in medication dosages as well a couple new nutritional supplements. Supposedly, the supplements I was taking shouldn't or usually don't interfere with most prescription meds. But my body always seems to be the exception, and it just got out of control.

There's so much we don't know about the brain, so I'm again needing to stop the nutritional supplements that have helped me with past issues, and concentrate only on getting my meds. stabilized. I'm again needing to give this completely over to God, because I worry about being on medication long-term.

The fear that comes through in my dark times can be intense and paralyzing. How thankful I am that the light of Christ lives in me, even when I can't feel it. Praise the Lord we won't need medications or have weary, sick, stressed, or depressed bodies in heaven!!

I'm so greatful for the wonderful, supportive friends and family that I have - huge blessings in the midst of the yuck. And thanks, Mom and Dad, for coming up to help again. We couldn't do it without you!

Well, it's been a dark few weeks . . .

Try as hard as you might, but some things just don't ever turn out the way you would like.

We all know this a fact of life. But still, we're often surprised when it becomes obvious that our best efforts are just not enough. Especially when we're sure that we're doing the right thing, the best thing, with our circumstances.

And that's when we need to remember that we do not hold the present nor the future in our own hands. That's when we finally hear God saying "your way may be good, but my way is better." And we realize that we need to stop fighting, and release ourselves into his plan, because that's the best place to be.

That's what I've been struggling with the past several weeks. After months of being off the antidepressant medication that I've always had to take post-partum, after months of working hard to stay healthy, both physically and mentally, through natural and nutritional methods, I crashed into a bad depression.

Having had post-partum depression after the birth of each of my 3 boys, I'm no stranger to depression. But I had thought/hoped that was all behind me. This time, it snuck up on me - slowly and somewhat disguised at first. Then suddenly within a few days, it boldly made it's presence known, loud and clear in a way that couldn't be ignored.

My symptoms were similar to my previous experiences - feeling completely overwhelmed by and unable to accomplish ordinary tasks, crying a lot, feeling hopeless and despondent, having no interest in things I usually enjoy, and extreme anxiety. The anxiety caused almost constant feelings of restlessness, agitation, fear, no appetite, and the inability to relax or concentrate on anything.

For some, depression can simply be a lingering feeling of sadness. For me, I became almost unfunctional and felt like I was drowning in a deep, dark, scary pit. And that's when we knew that I needed help.

Natural, holistic methods have helped me with other chronic issues that I've had in the past. But it now became apparent that it wasn't enough for maintaining my mental health. I was so disappointed to be back at this point, and fearful of starting on antidepressant meds. again, because of side effects and that I felt that it contributed to many of the other health problems I experienced while on the medication.

I went to psychiatrist this time to get a full evaluation and to see what options there might be. She helped me understand, and finally accept, that I have a deficiency in my brain chemistry (neurotransmitters) and that I would probably need to be on medication for the rest of my life. The good news is that she felt the old medication I had been on wasn't really helping in the right way, and she wanted me to try a newer, different type of medication that has worked well for many people for long-term treatment, and with fewer side effects.

There've been some ups and downs, as there often is in adjusting to and tinkering with dosages with these types of medications. And some days I was convinced that this would never go away. But I finally began to see the light at the end of the tunnel a week or so ago, and am feeling a little more "normal" each day.

Before this, I prayed for years that God would bless my efforts to become and stay healthy by taking good care of my body. After all, God created all the herbs and vitamins and minerals that are so good for us, so why shouldn't I expect Him to answer that prayer with a "Yes"?

I was heart broken to feel that God was telling me "No". But I've slowly accepted that His "No" in this situation is really a "Yes" to another plan. His plan. A plan that I can't see fully at this point, in my limited, earthly mind. But it's a plan that He can see perfectly. And for that, I am humbled, thankful and grateful.